Death to Diapers - Day 1

I'll be chronicling our potty training days from start to finish. Enjoy!


Schedule of Elimination Activity

8am

Pees in her training pants. She doesn’t seem to notice or care, so I make the executive decision to put her into panties from now on. What will you think of that much wetness, BABY?!

12:30pm

Massive #2 while at Trader Joe’s (likely disguising a #1) . Thankfully she was in a diaper. I didn’t want to chance an errand in undies on the first day.

2:30pm

Activity: pee. Position: squat. Context: staring at water coming out of the hose.

5:00pm
A rotten stench fills my nose and I jump to check her undies. A turdlet looks me dead in the eye. I rush her to the toilet to finish the job, but it becomes clear after 10 minutes that Mr. T has no other friends. (No racial pun intended).

5:30pm
Flood. I mean, her croc is splashing out pee with each step back to the house. Ew.

Summary: No elimination in potty. Stay tuned for Day 2....

Is Blood Coming out of My Ears?

WTF is this new screaming addiction. She screams when she doesn’t want her hair brushed, shrieks when company is over to put on a show, screeches when a toy isn’t working correctly. It’s irrational and it F-ing hurts my ears.

You know the child development theory that goes, “If you give “x” negative behavior more attention, they’ll just do it more.” So, do I treat it like a phase and ignore it most of the time, hoping she’ll get over it? That seems nuts! There are consequences for behavior like hitting, but I can stop her when she’s hitting. It’s not like I can put a zap collar around her neck (even if I could, I wouldn’t, come on). Somehow I have to convince her that screaming is not cool. This is what I tell her a lot - “No screaming, Sof, use your words”. Which is as useful as, “Scream all you want, I love it when my ears bleed, sweetie!”

Kids need to express their frustration and anger.  What’s the best, most healthy way to allow them that? I can’t be angry when she yells and cries, right? Putting her in a time-out just for crying isn’t cool. I mean, I’m not cool with it. I can just imagine her going to therapy as an adult, having sessions about not being able to express her anger at home.

But, SCREAMING is just theatrical. I mean, COME ON, child! Do I give her a consequence for doing it? This is my latest technique - “No. Screaming. Sofie. Use your words and tell me what you want.” (serious eye contact with low, stern voice). If she screams a second time, I say it again and tell her she can choose to have a time-out or she can use her words. The third time is a time-out lasting 1-2 minutes. While in time-out, she cries and I’m stuck with the all too familiar self-doubting questions, “Am I doing the right thing? What the hell is the right thing?!” Time-outs work in the short term, but she’s likely to scream a few more times later that day.

How do you get your toddler to act “appropriately”? Is that a paradoxical question? Punishment or negative consequences can’t be THE answer for this. Do these monsters just grow out of it?

Flying Solo with Toddler

I've flown alone with my daughter, Sofie, now about a dozen times and it's been a steep learning curve. I’m going to break down all my tricks in order, from buying your ticket to getting off the plane.

I. BEFORE YOU GO

Buying your ticket

Consider a flight time when there’s likely to be plenty of extra seating and when your baby is usually sleeping.

If you choose your seat assignment, the aisle is your best bet. You’ll be getting out at least twice to walk your toddler up and down the aisles OR use the lavatory to perform the world's most amazing feat of an airplane diaper change.

Luggage to bring: One backpack for carry-on, one medium sized bag to check, and small stroller.

Backpack is best as a carry-on to remain hands-free.

For the bag you’re checking, you should be able to easily maneuver it with one hand.  You’re other hand is for the stroller.

Your stroller: the more compact, the better. You want it to be light and fold up in a half second when you get to security.  

A side note about your carseat!  If you have a rental car, rent a carseat with it!  Avoid lugging your own carseat.

On my first flight alone with Sof, I suffered from my overconfidence.  I had a baby in a carrier on my front, her terribly heavy carseat on my back, and TWO rolling bags.  I know I was a sad site, as 3-4 people came offering help. I finally swallowed my pride and accepted before I collapsed.

Stuff to stuff in your backpack

a. 3-4 toddler busy activities.

b. 2-4 favorite snacks.

c. Water bottle you both can share (with suction cap)

d. Enough diapers and wipes for the day

II. AT THE AIRPORT

Checking in, Security and Getting to your gate

You’re likely to be doing a lot of waiting in lines. This requires you to be still or move very slowly. Waiting. And waiting. This goes against every natural instinct in a toddler.  If keeping them in the stroller doesn't work, hold them or give them a toy or snack they can't refuse.

At security, try stacking your bins.  It's much easier to move one tall bunch of tubs down the metal table to the conveyor belt than it is to shove 4 in a row + backpack + stroller.

Your stroller will hopefully be the LAST thing to go on the belt. You don't need a runaway in the security line. Let her out and tell her to stay close for the half second it takes you to fold up your stroller. Pick her up, wait for TSA to nod you through the metal detector, and congratulate yourself on mastering security with a toddler.

Find Your Gate  
Then, If you have at least half hour before boarding -
Find TODDLER HEAVEN

This is where a lot of little tikes end up, so your kid will have some social and tumbling time to get some energy out before getting on the plane.

No toddler heaven? Walk around to some stores and try to keep your tike from breaking stuff. The Delta terminal at JFK didn't have a play area, but they DID have a toy store, so we spent at least an hour in there.

At the Gate

No matter if you got an aisle seat or not, be SURE to check with the agent at the gate 20 minutes before boarding to see if there are any open rows, or two open seats you can take over.  There usually are!

III. ON THE PLANE - the last STEP

Talk to baby about "loud noise", make a game

During take off, just before speeding down the runway, I tell her we’re about to go really fast in the airplane and it will make a loud noise.  Just as the engine is about to roar, I say “ready, set, go!” and she starts squealing in delight. As you come up into the air, you can point out the things you see on the ground.

Ear Plugging Prevention

Just after take off and as your descending, offer her a snack and something to drink.  The frequent swallowing should assuage any discomfort of plugged-up ears.

Dealing with tantrums

By far the most traumatic experience for me. I try to stay calm.  If you start becoming anxious, your tot will sense that and it will be a greater challenge to calm her down.  

Bring some extra ear plugs to offer the other peeps in your aisle.  Put some in yourself.  

Try to stay light-hearted and grateful.  I remind myself that my toddler is only crying and it will pass. At least she’s not puking.

If you’re not a parent, and are on the plane with a screaming baby, please know that the parents are suffering much more than you as they’re doing everything possible to calm their child.  Also, give thanks that the baby is not puking or puking on YOU.

Once you make it off the plane to your destination, go ahead and conquer the universe.  That would be peanuts compared to what you just did.

With these tips on buying your ticket, what luggage to bring, being in the airport and on the plane, I hope I was able to impart some wisdom on keeping you and your tot a tad happier as you travel.

Dinner: Bean Mess!

I made Bean Mess tonight. It's the first time I've cooked it, as I just invented it this evening. All kinds of colors went into this masterful creation. Pintos, chard, canned tomatoes, onions, garlic, curry powder, garlic powder, I can't recall the rest.

Sofie's had beans and all the other ingredients in separate dishes, but not this Mess. This food unfamiliarity could really backfire. : \

Doo dee doo, nothing out of the ordinary is happening here, child, as I dish this weirdness onto your tray. Let's just put the bib right on you and give you a spoon with a smile and voila! (Oh, jeez, just let her take a bite and TASTE it before she judges it by appearances, pleeeeeaaaaaase.) Doo dee doo, this is a masterpiece dinner that you will LOVE, my sweet!

She looks down and picks up a bean, putting it in her mouth right away. Standing ovation in my mind! Of course, I can't show it for risk of the whole situation becoming one of those weird power struggle things, so I pretend I'm distracted.

What do you know, the following bites are also a hit! She's even shoveling in the brown rice on the side! That's my girl. Not even blinking about the chard chunks? I mean, she wasn't going for the lone lumps of green, but she didn't pick it off the beans and tomatoes, either.

Leafy greens have been especially hard to get her to eat. In the past, I've witnessed her sticking out her tongue in disgust and beating it violently with her fingers, attempting to disappear the poisonous vegetable from her taste buds. It's quite distressing to watch!

She eats slowly, with just a few lone chard chunks left when she says, "all done." Full kid, happy parent. Hooray for Bean Mess!

Baby Locked In Car = 911 Emergency

I stood outside my car door, looking at Sofie locked on the inside, trying not to panic, but totally panicking. I just locked my 18 mo. old daughter inside. By herself. With the keys in the ignition. Did I just do this? WTF?! What kind of absent-minded parent does that?! OK, I have no time to hate myself right now. What the hell do I do?!

I feel my phone in my pocket. Who do I call?! Toly will be able to talk me through this! I call. No answer. F******&K!! My mind races and it takes me a minute to get through the panic thoughts and come to the rational ones. I don't want to leave the car and go look for someone, she'll be here by herself and then SHE might panic.

The car is on, the a/c is on full blast. No danger of overheating. So, I look on my phone's map for locksmiths nearby. I call one. He's on the job in the town over. I call another one. "Listen to me," she says slowly and calmly. And I feel a sense of quiet come over my mind as I prepare to understand what she's about to say. "If it's a child locked in the car, call the police and the fire department will be there asap to unlock the door." I breathe a sigh of relief. I call 911 and the dispatcher picks up. I feel the tears coming as I try to utter my circumstance and location.

Sof is still happy as a lark in the backseat. She amazes me. She's playing with her books and toys and says hi to me when I catch her eye through the glass. Her calm helps me relax a bit more. The police get there within three minutes. Firetruck arrives shortly after. The driver tries to talk to me while I watch the another fireman try to jimmy the lock with his tools. Another cop comes sprinting over to me with a cup of water. I wish his energy were put to better use, but I appreciate his wanting to help.

By now, there are three cop cars and a fully loaded firetruck surrounding our wee civic. Sof is a little concerned about the guy outside the window making noise with a big stick. She looks at me for answers and I try to communicate comfort with my eyes and smile - no easy task with how I feel! She still seems okay, but hangs closer by the door that I'm looking into. Finally the door lock clicks open. A different cop tries to pull me aside to ask me questions about what happened. Err, can I get to my daughter, please? I pull her out and hold her in my arms, overwhelmed with gratitude.

The explanation of how she got locked in is longer than I want to relate, but I learned more about how our car door locks operate and came away with a good lesson. Soooooooo grateful for those first responders!

Being Good

All I wanted as a kid was to be good. When your main drive is to receive praise, that's what you do. When I didn't know what was right or good, I took cues from others as to what would receive smiles or applause from the grown-ups. This need for approval came from a fear of failing and rejection. I was terrified of being shamed or disliked. Thankfully, I've gotten over all of that with time and practice.

But, all this leads me to Sofie.

I watch her as she plays with other kids, interacts with adults and explores her environment. She displays such confidence in her interactions. She is feisty, always testing us. Her eyes meet mine - how will I react when she throws her spoon to the floor for the zillionth time? Or when she carefully drops her eggs over the edge as she looks squarely at me. When I have the smallest hint of sternness in my voice as I see her reaching for the keyboard, she brushes it over with her hands, pretending to press the keys. She's a terror as any 18 month-old should be. She's exploring her boundaries and I can't possibly be upset about that or at her for it. She figures out what's right and wrong, good/bad, and makes her own decision.

It is eternally clear that fear is not her motivating force. Sofie has great confidence in herself and understands we unconditionally love and support her. She doesn't carry the fear I carried, and for this I have the deepest gratitude. I feel such faith that her confidence will be with her through childhood and her teenage years; that she will carry the love we pour into her and bring it forth during her hardest times. I am so thankful for her happiness. She gives us more love than we imagined possible.

T'was a Bad Night

First time she's fallen asleep without a diaper change, pajamas, story time, or toothbrushing. That kind of night, indeed. Something inside her ignited causing freakin' tantrum explosions all over the place. I find it easy to keep my cool during a tantrum, but discovered what's hardest about them; she doesn't let me comfort her. She doesn't want me to pick her up, doesn't want to listen to soothing music, doesn't want to watch Sesame Street, DOES NOT want me to touch her. She lets me know this by flailing her limbs and screaming till she runs out of breath.

Thus, I sit by her and watch as this thing takes her over. I have a beer at my side, I take a sip. Here I am feeling guilty that I'm nursing an alcoholic beverage when my child is screaming, but i've exhausted all options to try and help her. So, I watch her scream some more, seeing her face turn beet red with that sad mix of snot and tears that I SO want to wipe away, but knowing it will set her off even more if I dare. I finally tried picking her up again and she let me. We walked around the living room for 10 minutes in silence. She rested her head on my shoulder while she got those leftover heaves out of her system. I dismissed the idea of turning up the a/c as I got hotter carrying her. I dismissed walking outside or into the kitchen. She needed for me to walk a small, slow path with her in my arms, over and over and over. So, we did. She passed out and I put her to bed.

I'm exhausted and pained, but feel a strange confidence. I know that because we endured THAT mess, we can get through anything. Now I want a shoulder to lay my head, though. I do have a perfect one for these moments - it will just be home late tonight. I'll tell him what happened and he'll tell me I am strong and a good mother and yes, there are hard moments, but we'll look over it all quite fondly in 20 years. He is right.