Being Good

All I wanted as a kid was to be good. When your main drive is to receive praise, that's what you do. When I didn't know what was right or good, I took cues from others as to what would receive smiles or applause from the grown-ups. This need for approval came from a fear of failing and rejection. I was terrified of being shamed or disliked. Thankfully, I've gotten over all of that with time and practice.

But, all this leads me to Sofie.

I watch her as she plays with other kids, interacts with adults and explores her environment. She displays such confidence in her interactions. She is feisty, always testing us. Her eyes meet mine - how will I react when she throws her spoon to the floor for the zillionth time? Or when she carefully drops her eggs over the edge as she looks squarely at me. When I have the smallest hint of sternness in my voice as I see her reaching for the keyboard, she brushes it over with her hands, pretending to press the keys. She's a terror as any 18 month-old should be. She's exploring her boundaries and I can't possibly be upset about that or at her for it. She figures out what's right and wrong, good/bad, and makes her own decision.

It is eternally clear that fear is not her motivating force. Sofie has great confidence in herself and understands we unconditionally love and support her. She doesn't carry the fear I carried, and for this I have the deepest gratitude. I feel such faith that her confidence will be with her through childhood and her teenage years; that she will carry the love we pour into her and bring it forth during her hardest times. I am so thankful for her happiness. She gives us more love than we imagined possible.