I'd never harm them, but...

sometimes it’s hard not to murder my children. today. woken up by whines and cries funk-ifies the start of my day. i opted for optimism after the morning funk wore off. we spent 4 hours in town, doing activity after activity. kids were doing fine. but, when we came home i felt dead tired. the clock said, “you have 5 hours more with these kids, and you told your daughter she couldn’t watch TV this morning after she slammed the computer shut, so you’ll have to find something else to entertain her so she doesn’t follow you around asking repetitive questions that make you want to strangle her.” i couldn’t find much to do. 

my son’s a-hole said, “yeah, you better clean up this spinach diarrhea that is glued to my privates for the tenth time today. don’t let those hands grab this junk, b/c then you’ll have puke added to the mix. you know where those fingers always go after they grab THIS. HAHAHAHAHA!”

i got great sleep last night, too. but sleep isn’t enough, sometimes. silence and solitude is what i crave more than anything. my eye was twitching a lot today. does anyone know wtf it means when your eye twitches? side effect of stress? random occurrence? would it stop if i just stab it? but then i might have to deal with a lot of bleeding and excruciating pain. hard decisions.

radiohead is the perfect accompanying music as i write this.

i'm going to try and get some of that silence and solitude...

Another Normally Insane Morning

After breakfast, about 10am...

Ezra is whaling b/c he just woke up from nap and he's hungry. I lie down to feed him and Sofie starts trying to wrestle with me as I nurse. This is how she plays. "Gentle, please! I coax her off, then,"OK, time to get ready for the PARK!"

Then we begin the dance of toddler manipulation and persuasion - which starts by me telling her 200 times to get dressed, you can't wear that dress, b/c it's dirty, and please find your shoes - your park shoes, not your dress shoes - please put them on... switch the feet. Where's your hairbrush? Hold still, please, it takes longer when you wiggle... okay, toothbrush time. And please go potty before we leave.

EZ is having a fit, b/c I'm not holding him, I'm putting clothes on. He ejects the pacifier like six times. I give up and brush my teeth while he fusses in the background.

Sofie starts crying about having to go potty. I start jiggling EZ in my arms. "We can't go to the park until you at least try," I say. She pouts around for a few more minutes complaining about not wanting to go. When she finally does, she pees instantly, and a lot. At least I don't have to convince her to breathe, JEEZ.

She flushes, washes, and she runs to the car. But, she trips. She's hysterical. I put EZ down, pick her up and we walk around, which settles her. She's not badly hurt, so I get her in the car and buckled. "Can I have a banana, please?" Of course, love.

EZ is pissed off again. I scoop him up, pluck a banana and hand it to Sof waiting patiently in the car, and I head to the bathroom to refill the wipes for the diaper bag... the last to-do before we head out. But, I smell poop when I walk into the room. The diaper garbage is overflowing, arrrrgh. I throw it out.

Damn, I forgot the wipes. I retrieve from the bathroom and deliver to the diaper bag, where I see just one diaper left. I jet back to the b-room to refill. But while there, I notice those pukey and poopy clothes in the corner that EZ has soiled. I put him down again to toss the biohazards in the wash.

Finally, I get EZ buckled in his carseat in the kitchen, ready to carry out to the car. Shoot, the water bottle is just 1/3 full and that won't last us. While I refill, the kitchen garbage is screaming at me to take it outside. EZ is getting angrier by the second because he's not being rocked or fed.

I put him in the car, the sway calms him as I carry him in. Sof is still working on her banana.

Shoot, nature calls to momma, gotta go! "Be right back guys!" as I slam their doors shut. I hear EZ start to cry from the bathroom. I finish my business and remember to grab snacks for the park. EZ is still screaming and Sofie joins in, whimpering about something. I go through my mental checklist before I shut myself in the car with the screams: wallet? keys? phone? sunblock? snacks? water? diapers? wipes? spare clothing? plastic bag for soiled clothing? stroller? pacifier? baby blanket? CHECK! It's 11:30am.

There's not a soul at the park, b/c it's lunch hour.




PS. I wouldn't trade my job for any other in the world.

Our Battle with Constipation

*Caution* This post is not for the easily-grossed-out reader!

The doc felt a sausage-sized poo stuck in her bowels. "Laxatives, laxatives, laxatives. We’re shooting for explosive diarrhea this weekend,” she added. “After the diarrhea, you’re to give her half-dose of laxative for TWO MONTHS.” Her intestines had been stretched out so much that her poo was getting stuck. “You want the consistency of peanut butter over the next couple months,” she added.

She’d been constipated for about two weeks at this point, pooping rocks every 2-3 days, grabbing her diaper and whining, “Momma, my popa [butt] huurrrrts. My stomach huuuurrrts. Ouch, ouch, OOOUUUUCH.” We’d given her a couple laxatives and stool softeners, we started avoiding dairy and increasing fiber, but we weren’t seeing progress.

So, we heeded the doc and shocked her digestive system with all these crazy crapping cures. Two hours after the laxatives AND a suppository, she was screaming and folding over in agony. I cried with her. Finally, another half hour, and a hard poop came out. Three more in two hours.

But, she was still crying in pain! “OUCH, MY POPA, MOOOMMM!!” The next day came and went with ZILCH poos and truckloads of laxatives. WTF?! Does she have some rapid-growing tumor that’s blocking the exit? An inflammation or infection? She must have poo water rolling around in her and nothing is coming out!

This morning came and went. We put another suppository in as she kicked and screamed. The bottle reads, “Bowel movement should occur within 15 min-1 hour. If it doesn’t, call your doctor as this might be an indication of a more serious condition.” Serious condition?! We waited hours. Afternoon came and went. “OW, OW, OW, OWWWIIIEEEE” all day. Crying and screaming and more laxatives. And more of nothing. I called the after hours line of her doctor. WHY IS SHE STILL NOT POOPING AFTER ALL THESE LAXATIVES and a FREAKING SUPPOSITORY!? He reassures, “It can take some kids 2-3 days for them to poop, even with the suppository.” I felt a tiny bit better, but she was still in miserable pain. We waited more. We walked, but she begged to be carried. We came home and she screamed and clinged to me for help. “MOOMMMYY! OWWWIIIEE!”

Finally. “POP” like a freaking champagne bottle, followed by a thunderous river of crap. Ohmygod, we’d never heard more wonderful sounds. The relief and gratitude that washed over us was immeasurable, people. But, the stench was the most horrid, stewing intestinal garbage you can imagine. This first evacuation was 5pm. Five more crap rivers followed in the next two hours. We knew we were on our way to a healthy intestinal track again. Hallelujah!

So, how did this happen?! She’d been eating well, taking in plenty of fluids, and getting plenty of exercise. The doctor suspects after just ONE painful poop, she became anxious about going and started holding it in. Holding it in stretches the intestines, creating more room for poo storage. The more poop that builds, the more abdominal and butt pain they experience, and the more fearful they are of passing it. The soft poos over the next couple months will hopefully help her forget the anxious poo experiences and give her bowels plenty of time to shrink.

I wanted to document this experience for a couple reasons. Firstly, it does make for a good, dramatic story. Second, though, I hope it reaches someone who has faced, or might eventually face - the constipation crisis with their kid and might be helpful in some way. 

Needless to say, she's been in diapers full time the last couple weeks. She was showing great potty progress, though, so hopefully this won't set us back too much.

Death to Diapers - Week # who-the-hell-knows?

There was Tahoe. After full-time diapers for nearly a week, she came back home entirely resistant to the potty. She'd yell at me for even suggesting it. She'd cry for a diaper if she needed to poop.

What happened?!? Why would someone BEG to crap themselves and then DENY that they crapped themselves so they could sit in it for as long as possible?

Because this someone is an irrational sociopath? Does "two years old" connote the same behavior?

We were at a loss. Toly Tough-Guy had an idea; just start putting her on the potty whether she liked it or not and she'd get used to it. I gave him permission to lead this effort a few minutes later when it seemed like she might pee on the floor.

After her wild, frantic screams from the trial... and no pee in the toilet, he came back confident as ever, "So what? That was just the first time." Right. After that, we dropped the just-do-it idea. Never tried it again, never spoke of it. It seemed clear - if she is going to go on the potty, we some how have to build up the desire within her to use it.

So there I was on Amazon looking for potty training books to read to her. We had one, but why not get a few more and try all of them out?

What do you know, I think one of the titles did it. It made her laugh, smile, relate, and she wanted to read it again and again. "Potty" by Leslie Patricelli. The protagonist tot goes on the little potty in this book, so that was our shift with Sof. No more potty seat on the big potty.

It's been working. She's just peed on it 1-2 times/day the past few, but she is loving it. Oh yes - and loving the re-introduction of chocolate, too. Instead of M&Ms, we moved to the slightly healthier semi-sweet chocolate chips.

Stay tuned, the poo-pee diaries continue...

Slow Death to Diapers - Week 2-3

LEARNINGS AND TRIALS
Now that I think about it, most of my life as a parent has been continuous lessons in humility and patience.

I tried to ignore all of you who said, "One day, she'll just do it. You can't rush her. She'll be ready when SHE'S ready, and no sooner." Pish posh, I said. She showed signs, so she was ready! I finally get it. She's just not down with the Boot Camp Potty-Training method.

So, we're on the slow train to full-time potty utilization. We are coming to our destination, though, with about 1-2 potty pees/day. She'll tell me, hold it until I put her on, and then pee.

The next step is trying panties again. She's still running around half-naked, putting her tush on every surface. I know some future house-guests are reading this and that's right - you'll probably be sitting on something that had baby butthole rubbed on it. Get over it.

But, will she pee in the panties? Will she not? Having that breeze on her bum does make her think about depositing her urine someplace else instead of feeling it stream down her legs. Will report back next week.

REWARD SYSTEM
After her M&M tantrum today, I decided to dump that reward system. Sometimes she sits on the potty and nothing happens, but she still demands chocolate. When she hears no, the psychopathic meltdown occurs.

So, I cheer after hearing tinkling. She smiles broadly, shrieking and laughing with me. If she's delighting that much from just praise, I should be safe trashing the M&M system.

If you cracked a smile at least once reading this, let me know so I can share the smile.

Slow Death to Diapers - Days 9-12

Our potty progress has been sluggish and my updates have slowed accordingly.

We've been in diapers a lot the last few days. "We" meaning "she". I didn't like nagging her about the potty if she didn't want to use it. Thus, the part-time bottomless, part-time diapered tush. On the plus side, she's starting to tell me when she poo/pees in her diaper, as she does it. Body awareness!

The next logical step is learning how to hold it in. After, wanting to go on the potty to release it! Well, maybe the desire to go on the potty comes before the holding it. ?

Yesterday when I was out, Toly asked her every few minutes if she needed to go. No. No. No. No. Then a "yes"!!!! She waited to be put on the potty and completed her potty business! Good team effort!

We were out a lot today, so she was diapered the whole day.

And that's pretty much the poo/pee news!

Slow Death to Diapers - Days 7-8

The past two days have given me some perspective and perhaps a more realistic view of Boot Camp style potty training. At least at this moment in time, for this particular child.

A few things are becoming clear:

HOLDING
She hasn't quite figured out the art of holding it. She ALWAYS tells me when it's happened and is always willing to sit on the potty afterward, but holding it and telling me she needs to go... nope.

Today's illustration: she comes to me, "pee pee?!" I feel her legs and don't notice wetness. Is she really warning me? I pick her up to dash to the toilet, and I see them. Two Logs behind her, freshly evacuated. Oh. I plop her on the pot tell her to stay there while I clean them up. "See it??" Why not, kid? I show her what I picked up in some TP. "Whoa!" She says. I dump them in the toilet and she strains her neck trying to get another look.

REWARD
There's some confusion about our reward system. It was 1 M&M for trying and 3 for going. Now she can't figure out why the former reward policy was dropped. I sit her on the potty to try. She's willing, but then expresses, "WTF, NO CHOCOLATE?!" Every time. No matter how many times and how many different ways I say it. It's not that she doesn't understand, because we have other rules that include concepts like, "only after". She's just unwilling to accept it. Perhaps this inconsistency with the reward is making her feel some animosity toward the potty.

PETITE POTTY
I broke out the little potty and followed her around a bit more today. She sat in it once on her own. I tried to skip over this step before, b/c I didn't want the clean-up and I thought I'd have to re-train her to use the big potty. F that. If she feels any more physically or mentally or emotionally ready to sit on the little potty, I'll take it.

More adventures to come, surely.

Thanks for reading, I love everyone's comments and suggestions.